[VictoriaTWC]

Sometimes life seems so complicated to me though I know it is way easier than what i think...

Sometimes I am incredibly down, cry to the last tear i can afford...

Sometimes my self esteem kills any kind of friendship and ultimately a bit of me...

Sometimes my self esteem is so low, that I notice every single fault I ever did in my life, including or especially those when my confidence was high.

Sometimes I am desperate and don't see a way out.

Sometimes I fly so high, I believe I may achieve any goal I could imagine.

Sometimes I realize, this is impossible.

Sometimes even the easiest things are hard to do.

Sometimes I cant even get up...like right now...

Sometimes I am so low, that iI kick the slightest chances of a normal life right into the face.

Sometimes conversation seems so easy, I believe myself to be a real genius...

Sometimes - but not always! - this is just an illusion and I am just naive, insulting, daring, rude, unfriendly - and I don't notice it by myself.

Sometimes i just wanna run, run as fast and far as I can. I wanna run from myself and from anyone else.

Sometimes I am afraid of the dark, afraid of talking to strangers, of talking at all, of heights, of spiders, of failing, ... of many things - especially myself.

Yeah, sometimes i hate everything, everybody...

But sometimes i go beyond that.

Beyond all that pain, the despair, those anxieties... it is as if I stop being a person. and I can look upon myself and judge. Not the single failure or victory. No. Just what made me like that, and the distinguished decision was formed: You are nonviable. your pride is going to break your neck. your anxieties make you a major failure in yourself. don't think even you could do any good. - at the end it turns out to be a even bigger mistake.

If i keep it in perspective, without any passion or actual despair or something, it seems still, there is no place for me. no special talent, not even a talent after all, no common sense, to be sensitive, not communicative, ... after weighing all odds, there is nothing left, that qualifies me for anything.

And, keeping this in perspective, it doesn't matter to me. sometimes it bothered me, it made me feel bad, killed all hope. but it is just logical that i don't have a job, that my friends are retreating... there is nothing mysterious about this. And exactly straight like this, it seems to me the best alternative NOT live out such a life. Not because it makes me feel bad. I am good at feeling bad after all And the burden on my family.

For all this acting is in fact exhausting, and I don't seem to have the right grip upon the whole story and don't fit in at any occasion, it is also easier, though I don't have a clue what to do about this.

There is nothing I do, that does matter after all.

I wish, I could say I am afraid of this... but it's just so. It might very well be possible that I step out on the street in the middle of the traffic... not even conscious at that moment, but i wouldn't regret it. I have regretted way to much things in my life by now. The pain is just too great for me to handle anymore.

VTWC

[Smudge]

VTWC, this is all part of your disease--the ups and downs. It's a roller coaster right. I think it's wonderful that you recognize some of the things that people find at fault in you, because recognizing is the first step toward changing. But the fact that you have this disease does NOT make you a bad person, or a less valuable person, and there are plenty of people who love you. Your husband for example. You say that your friends are retreating, and that might be true, but if your "friends" aren't there for you when you need them most, then they were never truly your friends to begin with. I can't even begin to say I know how you feel, but I do know what it's like to feel rejected and abandoned. It sucks, majorly, but you have to believe that there ARE people who love you and who want and need you in their lives.

I know (and so does most everyone else) that you and I don't get along, but that doesn't stop me from having sympathy for you. I'm sorry that things are hard for you. Get with your doctors, get back on your meds if you've been off them, talk with therapists if that's what will help you. And talk to us. This community, by and large, here and at the CCDB and at your own forums as well are here for you. The more we know about the things that affect you, and make you the way you are (forgive me if that sounds harsh), the easier it is for us to understand and accept. Most of us, even those of us who have had spats with you in the past, are willing to do just that.

~Smudge

[darkmage]

Wow. I was going to say something, but Smudge is right.

There *are* people who care about you in this world, but I'd still talk to your doc about it. S/he's been through med school and is trained to deal with things like this.

And part of this is just life, too. Sometimes we just have to soldier on, no matter how hard it seems at the time. Usually it's then we learn we have the inner strength to continue.

Good luck and all the best.

[Roller Boy]

Okay hun,
Look, I am bipolar...but I don't go around using it as a crutch. I take my medication and I see my theripist.

You need to take this to a professional, and please stop bringing your personal life woes to this community.

I mean no harm, and I mean no offense, but this sort of thing is most upsetting to everyone, and creates a hostile environment in a most passive aggressive manner. if you need to talk to someone privately that's fine, I as well as many others including the admin here will gladly talk with you, but please don't be so openly over dramatic.

Don't take this the wrong way hun, I just want to help preserve the sweet, and wonderfully fun environment that has been established here.

Keep smiling,
and don't let life weigh you down.
~Jeremy

[Smudge]

[Roller Boy]

I'm sorry smudge, I do not wish to offend, It's just this post hurt me more deeply then anything. I feel it's dragging the community into a personal matter, and I personally feel this community should be free of any sort of hostility.

I mean no harm in my posts, and do not post with any manner of hostility. Actually I wish only for peace here as well as everywhere, but this sort of thing off Topic or no, does not belong in a place dedicated to CATS.

If she wanted to post this in her own forum, that is fine, it's her forum... But this isn't the place for a drama fest.

Once again, I mean no harm, but I wish to state my opinion. I do appologise if it offends.

[Belle]

[Smudge]

[Rumblepurr]

Thank you, Smudge and Roller Boy, for your commentary here. Perhaps, we need periodically to remind our friends, our family, our loved one, that we are indeed here, and that we care about them. It is so easy at times to look around us and feel like there is no one there, and that no one cares. It is so easy to to take people for granted... And yet, all it takes is a gentle touch, eye contact and a soft "hello" or "thank you." We all need the comfort of a presence that tells us that we are needed, that we are worth something, and we can do something that people like. Some of us believe that God loves us no matter what, and that faith holds us when it seems people do not or cannot love us...

VTWC? You know where I stand since we have had this talk before. I know you have some wonderful skills and that you truly do want to demonstrate them. You have a definite love for CATS and you find enjoyment being part of it. Just allow us to share it with you, and you will find your friends. We all have our own hells and heavens, and we will help if we can... Believe in us...

Regards,
Rumblepurr
The Writer Cat.

[Smudge]

[Moongewl]

*headdesk*

This is the most dysfunctional community ever.

VTWC, when all is said and done, this is an internet community. We can talk to you 'til we're blue in the face(metaphorically speaking), but talk is all we can offer. If you need encouragement to do something about your problems, you know we'll all encourage you to do what you need to do to get better. But we can't be there for you physically. We can't reach across the internet and do what needs to be done. You're the only one who really knows what's wrong. You're the only one who can get you help, and only when you're ready for it. And the trying to be ready for help is really hard, because it takes time, and throughout that time you're in a terrible place. But you can get through it, and deal with your problems, and feel human and sane again. But it's nothing we can lead you to.
There's a song I know that sums it up pretty well:
"Trust me I've been there before
I would not wish it upon my greatest enemy
What irony
We're friends but I find
You'll have to learn this lesson on your own." --"Point/Counterpoint," Streetlight Manifesto


(If any of this seems harsh, well, I've spent more time with "wounded birds"--people who were "damaged" but didn't feel any inclination to get help--than I ever wanted to. I don't think you're a wounded bird, VTWC, but I've found that harsh words from me hurt less than from someone who really matters to you.)

[mistocopat]

Remember that there's always hope.
Grizabella found herself in a very sad place also. In the end she was forgiven and accepted. I can only hope that things will work out for you too.

[Swan]

As far as I am concerned, personal issues can definitely find room in an online community, no matter if it's about Cats or about anything else, and especially if it's a friendly community like this one. It just happens, and most of times people are willing to listen and lend a hand (even just a very little hand, such as a bare and simple advice). The fact that this time it's VTWC's turn doesn't make it different IMO, and some over-drama won't kill anyone.
That said, I second each line Smudge has written. VTWC, I hope you can find a way to solve the problem, always keeping in touch with your doctor and doing what's necessary (medicines, therapy, anything). Don't give up.

Swan