[Sushi]

Hey guys! For my Candide audition we have to tell a joke and I have absolutely none. Any ideas?

[Patch]

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the barteneder says:

"Hey! We have a drink named after you!"

And the grasshopper says:

"Really? You've got a drink named Steve?"

[bittenbythetheatrebug]

Can they be dirty or about Helen Keller? LOL!!

[Beagle On Stage]

[teapot]

You need a narrative joke, with something more than a one-two punch line. Try to find something like the Fractured Fairy Tales on the old Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoons. Short enough for an audition, long enough to show your delivery and timing, and painful punning enough to be funny.

[Beagle On Stage]

I sent you one that would be great for the role, but borders on not belonging on the public board. Check your PMs.

[Pannic]

So a young man in a bar sees a very pretty woman sitting at another table. He's really nervous and spends the next half-hour trying to muster up the courage to talk to her. Finally, he gets up and walks over to her. He says quietly "Hi..."

The woman looks up at him and yells, "NO! I will NOT sleep with you!"

The man is utterly humiliated and slinks back to his table and sits there, utterly mortified.

After about an hour, the woman gets up and walks over to him. She says quietly, "sorry about causing that embarrassment. I'm a psychology major and I'm studying how people react to embarrassing situations."

The young man looks up at her and yells, "What do you MEAN $200?!"

[Gwen]

Ha, haven't heard that one in a while Pannic. Good one.

[bittenbythetheatrebug]

I just found my old notebook with my favorite jokes in them.

These are a few of the clean ones, haha!

So, a guy walks into a bar with a dog. He claims the dog can talk. "Give me a beer and I'll show you." The bartender slides a beer to him and the man asks the dog, "Fido, what is that above our heads?" The dog says, "Roof!" The irritated bartender says, "That's not talking, he sounds like any other dog." The man says, "OK, how about this - Fido, who was the best baseball player of all time?" The dog says, "Ruth!" The bartender throws the man and the dog out of the bar. Fido says to the man, "Ya think I shouldda said DiMaggio?"

A pony walks into a bar and coughs, "Hey, COUGH. Gimme a bu COUGH a beer COUGH. The bartender serves him and says, "What's with your voice?" The pony says, "Nothing, I'm just a little hoarse."

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk." Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

[Brigantine]

An engaged couple had decided to wait til their wedding night to have sex. The day before their wedding, the groom says to his dad, " Dad, I have a problem. I have really smelly feet and I don't want her to find out- what do I do??" The dad says, "Well, just keep your socks on in bed and she'll never know that your feet smell." Meanwhile, the bride was asking her mom, "Mom, I have an embarrassing problem. I have really bad morning breath and and I don't want him to find out, what do I do?" The mom said, Well, just make sure you get up each morning before he does and brush your teeth."
The bride and groom were married and spent some time as husband and wife, he always wearing socks to bed and she always getting up early to brush her teeth. Until one very early morning, the husband woke up and realized one of his socks had fallen off. He frantically searched and searched in and around the bed, but couldn't find it. His movements woke his wife who sat up and asked him "What are you doing??" He looked at her in horror and said, "Oh my God! You ate my sock!!"

[Elphaba22]

A man is trying to explain to another man what a Freudian slip is. He uses this example. "So I was at the airport the other day, and the woman at the ticket counter had really big breasts, and instead of saying 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I said 'two pickets to Tittsburgh'."

And the other guy goes "Oh yeah I know exactly what you mean. The other morning I was having breakfast with my wife, and I meant to say 'Honey, please pass the orange juice,' but instead I said 'BITCH, You ruined my LIFE'."

[What you own]

Bloude joke time!!! My favorite one!

So 3 bloudes walk into a bar and there chanting "51 days! 51 days!" The bartender is puzzled but goes on with his businees. More bloudes come in, each of them shouting "51 days! 51 days!" 3 more bloudes come in, one of them holding a bag, and now the bloudes are chanting at the top of there lungs. "51 DAYS! 51 DAYS!" So the bartender goes over to the table where they are seated and he see's a completed cookie monster puzzle. He ask's one of the bloudes what all this is about and she tells him. "Well, we bloudes are tired of everyone calling us stupid. So we decided to get together and prove them wrong. This puzzle says 2-4 years and we did it in 51 days!"

Gotta love it.

[Luc]

Do you realize that every time you meant to say "blonde," you wrote "bloud?" Every time.

Unless of course, you did mean to say "bloude," in which case, I just do not get the joke.

[What you own]

[happyguava]

Two muffins are in an oven, being cooked.
Muffin 1: Wow, it's getting really hot in here, isn't it?
Muffin 2: Oh my god, a talking muffin!!!!


Courtesy of my year 12 music teacher.

[RED15]