[theatrechicky05]

I think we should have a thread for jokes that we may have heard over the years. If you are going to get offended then just don't read them! This is for fun!

[Trevor reincarnate]

Why do the baritones get to sleep with all the ladies?

Because the tenors are sleeping with each other.

[psych_out]

How many altos does it take to change a lightbulb?
-No one knows. They all say it's too high.

What's the difference between a soprano and a piranha?
-Lipstick.

Where is a tenor's resonance?
-Where his brain should be.

How do you put a sparkle in a soprano's eye?
-Shine a flashlight in her ear.

[Mungojerrie_rt]

What's the difference between a trumpet player and a horse's rear?

I don't know either.

I'll have to dig out that book now.

[lizavert]

What's the difference between an alto and a soprano?

The alto can read music.

[MusicalGal1194]

[AllThatJazzHands]

Horrible pun:

I'm a fermata. Hold me.

[scottorr]

For some really great and humorous descriptions of the four main parts of the choir, have a read.

They're pretty great, and true.

[nabla]

What's the difference between a dancer and an ensemble member?

Ensemble members can dance in time with music

[blackbird_fly]

Is this only for MT related stuff? Anyway-
You get lost in the woods and you come across a pink elephant and a good viola player. Which do you ask for directions? The pink elephant, because good viola players don't exist.

[curlyhairedsoprano91]

[Salome]

not aj oke but i always liked this one..

Theatre is Life
Film is Art
Television is furniture

[JIJane]

I put that quote in my book.

[Set_Buildin_Dad]

[DaddyDiesel]

There was a scientific study that ACDA did some years back. Basically they observed sopranoes altos tenors and basses through a 2 way mirror. The room contained a piece of music on a stand. The subjects were asked to sing it. NOw the Observer couldnt hear what they were singing they were just asked to make observations on what they saw. Later the observer would listen to the tape.

OBSERVATIONS:

First test Two basses in same room: Subjects started singing the piece then stopped after a few measures and started to argue which eventually lead to a fight.

Soprano test: The soropanos started singing the piece and it went for a while. I turned my back and when turned around they were passed out on the floor.

Alto Test: The subject never started singing they just looked and staired at the two way mirror in digust.

Tenor test. Both started singing eventually one of there heads exploded.

THese tests were repeated in many differant areas and Ironically the same results happened at every site. After the final test the observers listened to the recorded tapes that were inside the room:

Bass test: The Basses started and stopped. Bass 1 accoused, bass 2 of coming in at the wrong time. Bass 2 accoused bass 1 that he was wrong. Every test site had this arugument. Which is what lead to so many fights. Ironically not one bass, at any of the test sites, was correct on when to come in at the correct time.

Soprano test: The sopranos started singing. Beautifully then they got to a point in the piece and held a single note untill they eventually passed out. Oddly enough every test site the sopranos would hold the same note out and then pass out. In further inspection of the sheet music some ******* put a fermata in the test subjects sheet music. The sopranos apparently needed a director to cut them off.

Altos test: Umm they never sang or talked. Apparently they boycotted the tests because they thought the tests were biased towards sopranos. Apparently the sheet music was in too high of a key.

Tenor test: They started singing great. Eventually they gradually started to sing louder and in a higher pitch. It sounds as if they were in a competition on who could sing loudest and highest untill eventually one of there heads exploded. In conclusion tenors cant sing in unison.

That concludes the ACDA testing.

[MusicalGal1194]

[Euphi]

[Buff Daddy]

How many forum posters does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers.

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames.

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb."

Another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp."

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy."

109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum.

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this forum.

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and to then post the corrected URL's.

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too."

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three."

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

44 to ask what a "FAQ" is.

4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "Do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs."

10 posters to claim the light bulb failed because of George Bush's policies.

20 to denounce those 10 and blame the failure on the previous administration.

1 to say that if you were any damn good at all you wouldn't need the freaking light bulb.

3 to say that those of you talking about light bulbs aren't working and should get back to work.

1 to say that there's really 7 that are burned out, and the government's lying to us that there's only 1.

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

[Buff Daddy]

Q: What is the difference between the men's final at Wimbledon and an amateur dramatic chorus?
A: The tennis final has more men.

Old actors never die, they just drop apart.

Q: How do you drive an actress crazy?
A: Hide her hairbrush

Q: How are sopranos defying the laws of astrophysics?
A: The center of the universe shifts with every step they take.

Q: Why don't they give the Chorus coffee breaks?
A: It's such a pain to retrain them afterwards.

Q: Why did the actor stare at the orange juice bottle for 2 hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.

Q: Why can't many vocalists get through the door?
A: They either can't find the key or don't know when to come in.

Q:What's the difference between a musician and a mutual fund?
A:The mutual fund eventually matures and earns money.

Just Remember:
"It's only Amateur Theater until it offends someone ... then it's ART!"

Q: How do you drown an Actress?
A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.


Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling ?
A: An Amateur Theatre electrician

[Buff Daddy]

In is down, down is front
Out is up, up is back
Off is out, on is in
And of course-
Left is right and right is left
A drop shouldn't and a
Block and fall does neither
A prop doesn't and
A cove has no water
Tripping is OK
A running crew rarely gets anywhere
A purchase line buys you nothing
A trap will not catch anything
A gridiron has nothing to do with football
Strike is work (In fact a lot of work)
And a green room, thank god, usually isn't
Now that you're fully versed in Theatrical terms,
Break a leg.
But not really.

[Mungojerrie_rt]

A violist is sitting in the front row crying hysterically. The conductor asks the violist what's wrong. The violist answeres, 'The second oboe loosened one of my tuning pegs,' The conductor says, 'Well, that does seem a bit childish. But it's nothing to get upset about. Why are you crying?' To which the violist replies, 'He won't tell me which one.'

How many musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
I don't know, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.

What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
Drool.

What's the difference between a viola and a violin?
No difference. The violin just looks smaller becasue the violinist's head is so big.

Why are viola jokes so short?
So violinists can understand them.

How can you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.

Why is a violinist like a scud missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.

How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin.

How do you get piccolos to play in unison?
Shoot one.

Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
It burns longer.

What is a burning oboe good for?
Setting a bassoon on fire.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.

What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.

What is the difference between a saxaphone and a lawnmower?
Mowers sound better in small ensembles.
The neighbours get upset if you borrow the mower and don't give it back.

What is a gentleman?
Someone who knows how to play the trombone and doesn't.

What do you call a trombonist with a beeper?
An optimist.

What's the difference between a french horn and a 57 Chevy?
You can tune a Chevy.

Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for drummers.

What's the difference between a drummer and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathisers.

If you threw a violinist and a soprano off a cliff, who would hit the ground first?
The Violinist. The soprano would have to stop half way down for directions. Still, who cares?

What's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with terrorists.

What's the difference between a soprano and a pitbull?
The jewellery.

How do you tell if a Wagnerian soprano is dead?
The horses seem relieved.

What's the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
Most musitions have never been in a Porsche.

What do you see if you look up a soprano's skirt?
A tenor.

There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo. Unless of course it's the sound of chicken court in a vacuum cleaner.

I found my book.

[psych_out]

What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and the average all-pro offensive lineman?
-Stage makeup.

What's the definition of an optimist?
-A choral director with a mortgage.

[nabla]

[Trevor reincarnate]

[blackbird_fly]

[jax1491]

What do you call ten Sopranos at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

An Alto is just a Soprano who can sightread.

How many choir directors does it take to change a light bulb?
Nobody knows. Nobody ever watches the choir director.

What's the difference between an alto and a tenor?
Tenors don't have hair on their backs.

Altos love Basses
Basses love Sopranos
Tenors love Tenors
Sopranos love themselves