[actor]

I found this on a Wicked forum and i decided to copy it onto here. Read it, it's hilarius!!


Act 1

Scene 1

(It is right before a performance of Wicked. Audience members enter and look at the Time Dragon Clock mounted above the stage. It is holding a plaque that says “Eugene Lee is God.”)

PERSON WHO HAS READ THE BOOK: Hey, that’s so cool! It’s like the Time Dragon from the book is telling us the story like it does in the novel to Elphaba in the end.

PERSON WHO HAS NOT READ THE BOOK: What’s with the dragons and clocks?

EUGENE LEE: (appears out of a door to the side of the stage) Read the book damnit!

(The show begins with a giant witch hat filling the stage. The ensemble members are all under it ready to come out. Suddenly they realize the scene has not been choreographed.)

WAYNE CILENTO: Was I supposed to choreograph this?

JOE MANTELLO: (who is reading Playgirl) I don’t know.

WAYNE CILENTO: (to the ensemble) Do something! Jump around! Improvise!

(They do so.)

ENSEMBLE MEMBER: Look, it’s Kristin!

(Kristin Chenoweth enters by bubble as Glinda. Shrieks are heard from the audience. A bra is thrown onto the stage and is stuffed in a hole with the Witch hat.)

KRISTIN CHENOWETH: It’s good to see me isn’t it? Well it better be. Even though Idina Menzel is supposedly the star of this show, I am going to steal the entire first act and most of the second. I can’t help it; it’s just the way I am.

JOEL GREY: (from his dressing room) Hey, that’s my line!

ENSEMBLE MEMBER: Kristin, can you tell us about when the Wicked Witch was born?

KRISTIN: Why do you want to know that?

ENSEMBLE MEMBER: It’s in the script.

KRISTIN: Oh, okay. Well the Witch’s father was the governor of Munchkinland--

ENSEMBLE MEMBER: But--he’s tall.

KRISTIN: I know. It makes him more domineering. The Wicked Witch’s mother was a whore who slept with traveling salesman in hideodeous hats.

LOVER: You hear Joel Grey’s voice. You think I’m Joel Grey but I’m not.

MOTHER: Okay, I’m done banging you and I’ve got to have the baby now.

(The Lover goes and jumps into a hole in the stage. The Father returns with a character from Happy Tree Friends who is apparently the Midwife. The Midwife pulls a green baby from her bra.)

MIDWIFE: You’re not seeing this.

AUDIENCE: Of course we’re not.

SEAN MCCOURT AS THE FATHER: That is the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen in my life.

JOE MANTELLO: Great job, Sean! Great acting!

SEAN: No, I was serious. I’ve got find me a woman that can have normal babies.

(The Happy Tree Friend Midwife, Sean McCourt and the mother all leave throwing the green baby down the hole in the stage.)

ENSEMBLE MEMBER: God, what a freak. She had such a screwed up family. Thank goodness she’s dead.

ANOTHER ENSEMBLE MEMBER: Kristin, were you really her friend?

KRISTIN: Well technically I was but my agent told me not to talk about it because it might affect my PR. Oh, wait, I feel a wave of nostalgia coming on…

Scene 2:

(Kristin exits as Idina Menzel and the Shiz students enter.)

IDINA MENZEL: (to a student) Hi, I’m Idina Menzel. I’m supposedly the star of this show but without my incredible voice you would probably forget about me for the entire first act!

STUDENT: Because you are green I am disinclined to know you.

(Kristin enters on a rolling suitcase.)

KRISTIN: It’s all right; I’m here now. On behalf of the kind people who gave me this suitcase to enter on I would like to encourage all of you to fly Ozian Airlines!

(The Witch’s father enters pushing Nessarose in her wheelchair.)

FATHER: Idina, I hope you’ve been behaving yourself. Because I like Nessarose better than you I got her a gift. You don’t get anything because I like her better than you. (to Nessarose) My dearest, darlingest, cutiest, precious little girl… (He begins to cry.)

KRISTIN: Cutiest?

NESSAROSE: Father, I’ve told you again and again not to be emotional in public! You always--(looks in the box and takes out a shoe.) Ooh, they’re sparkly!

FATHER: I’m coming up to visit next weekend. Please don’t forget me! (to Idina) See you later, Indiana.

(He exits.)

IDINA: It’s Idina--

(She is cut off by blaring horror music. Madame Morrible enters.)

MADAME MORRIBLE: Hello students, my name is Madame Morrible, another term for SATAN!

(The ensemble members and the audience cower in fright as a random side conversation occurs.)

KATHY DEITCH AND KISHA HOWARD: Kristin, we love you!

KRISTIN: I know.

MADAME MORRIBLE: (to Nessarose) Oh, you’re the only one here in a wheelchair so you must be the governor’s daughter. Your father is paying me lots of money to be nice to you. (to Idina) Sweet Oz, you’re green!

IDINA: Um…yeah.

MADAME MORRIBLE: Oh well. You have great powers at sorcery so I’ll tutor you.

KRISTIN: What about me?

MADAME MORRIBLE: What about you?

Scene 3:

(Everyone exits except for Idina. Idina sings “The Wizard and I.”)

AUDIENCE: (in unison) Holy shit.

(Kristin enters with her posse.)

KRISTIN: Idina, I loathe you.

IDINA: Likewise.

KRISTIN: We must sing about it.

(They do so. The scene then changes to Doctor Dillamond’s classroom.)

Scene 4:

DOCTOR DILLAMOND: You students better be glad I even showed up to teach this class today. After reading your essays I was severely tempted to throw myself into an oven. Kristen, here’s your essay.

KRISTIN: It’s Kristin with an “I.”

DOCTOR DILLAMOND: Whatever.

IDINA: What’s that on the blackboard?

(They all turn to see a message written on the board in red ink. “We hate goats. They suck. Mwahaha!! By the way--Eugene Lee is God.”)

DOCTOR DILLAMOND: This is affecting my emotional stability in a negative manner.

IDINA: “Mwahaha” isn’t even a word.

KRISTIN: Class is over! Later, goat!

(Kristin and the other students leave.)

IDINA: Doctor Dillamond, you are an outsider just like me. We must stick together.

(They do so. The scene changes to the beginning of Dancing Through Life.)

Scene 5:

BOQ: Kristin, I love you.

KRISTIN: Doesn’t everybody?

BOQ: No, I mean romantically.

KRISTIN: Oh boy. Please, you’re a Munchkin.

BOQ: That shouldn’t be a problem.

KRISTIN: What do you mean?

BOQ: Kristin, I know you don’t want to hear this but someone has to say it-- you’re a midget.

KRISTIN: In stature, in stature only.

(Norbert Leo Butz enters as Fiyero.)

Producers: Shit! We forgot to add the White Pants to the cast list.

(They frantically type up a biography for the White Pants that they pass out to the audience. It is as follows)

White Pants: Broadway debut. They were designed and sewed by Susan Hilferty and joined the cast of Wicked during dress rehearsals. Their omission from the Tony nominations will be a travesty. They would like to thank their agent because thanks to him they are now closer to the Butt of Butz.

(The scene resumes.)

NORBERT: Damn, I’m sexy. Kristin, you’re sexy too.

KRISTIN: I know. I’m too sexy for this Munchkin. We should get together.

NORBERT: We should. But first I must sing a song about being a bum encouraging everyone else to be a bum too.

(He does so.)

KRISTIN: Hark the herald angels sing!

BOQ: Kristin, can I go to the dance with you?

KRISTIN: Why don’t you ask the Wheelchair Girl.

BOQ: Okay!

(He does so.)

KRISTIN: That was too easy. He’ll be back.


Scene 6:

(Idina and Nessarose are in their bedroom.)

IDINA: I am an outsider therefore I must condemn all social engagements.

NESSAROSE: Well I don’t. In fact I’m going with a Munchkin. Because I’m in a wheelchair he’s actually taller than me.

IDINA: Oh no! Nessa, you’re conforming!

NESSAROSE: Yeah, see you later Indiana!

(She exits.)

IDINA: It’s Idina--

(Kristin enters.)

KRISTIN: Idina, because you are green you can wear my ugly pointy hat that I stole from Margaret Hamilton’s grave.

(She exits.)

IDINA: Um…thanks?

(Idina shows up at the dance and is humiliated.)

KRISTIN: I feel awful. It’s such a pain being this nice!

(She begins to dance with Idina. The ensemble joins in. The audience cries on cue with this Hallmark moment. The scene then changes to the Popular set.)

Scene 7:

KRISTIN: Okay, I’m getting ready to do “Popular” but before I do you guys get five minutes for a bathroom break. You see, I’m so funny you might wet yourselves and the powers that be get really pissed when you guys wet the seats.

(The smart audience members take advantage of this.)

KRISTIN: (to kill time) So Idina, what did you have for breakfast this morning?

IDINA: Oatmeal.

KRISTIN: Gosh, you’re boring. I had pancakes cut into pretty shapes with cookie cutters.

(The audience returns.)

KRISTIN: Okay they’re back. Idina, did you remember to wear your Depends this time?

IDINA: Yeah, I did.

KRISTIN: Oh good.

(She performs “Popular.” It is hilarious.)

IDINA: Kristin, in exchange for the makeover you can come to the Emerald City with me and meet the wizard.

KRISTIN: Yippee!!

(They change clothes offstage and return for One Short Day.)

Scene 8:

KRISTIN: Idina, do you want to see a show?

IDINA: Okay. How about Wonderful Town?

KRISTIN: Um no, we’re seeing Wiz-o-mania.

IDINA: Mania is right. These things are like oompa-loompas on crack. Please stop the madness!

(The oompa-loompas on crack exit. The scene changes to the Wizard’s chamber.)

Scene 9:

OZ-HEAD: I am Oz, the great and terrible! Eugene Lee is GOD!!!

IDINA: All right, all right! Enough with the subliminal messages!

(Joel Grey’s subsequent entrance is followed by a chorus of “Awwwwws” from the audience. They are responding to his adorableness.)

JOEL GREY: Hello ladies. How are you today?

IDINA: Green.

KRISTIN: Blonde.

JOEL GREY: O-kay.

(A monkey appears and grows wings.)

IDINA: Whoa. How did that happen?

JOEL GREY: You did it with your amazing powers! This will be very useful to me!

IDINA: Oh no! So you’re the one oppressing the animals?

JOEL GREY: Yup. Aren’t I just the cutest totalitarian dictator you’ve ever met?

IDINA: I haven’t met any totalitarian dictators. Hitler lives in another dimension.

KRISTIN: You are cute though!

(Madame Morrible enters to blaring horror music.)

MADAME MORRIBLE: (in demonic voice) What about me? Am I cute?

KRISTIN: You’re scary!

IDINA: Joel Grey, I must rebel against you. I must fight the system! Huzzah!

(She exits.)

JOEL GREY: But…I’m so cute.

(End of Act One.)

Act 2:

Scene 10:

KRISTIN: I’m back! I just want to tell you all even though I work for a sociopath, my fiancé doesn’t love me and my best friend has gone AWOL….I’m still happy!

ENSEMBLE: Oh Kristin, how do you do it?

KRISTIN: Well, pretty people have it easier.

Scene 11:

(The scene is in Nessarose’s bitch chamber. Nessarose is in her wheelchair. Idina climbs out of her dresser.)

NESSAROSE: Idina, what are you doing in my dresser?

IDINA: You know--I don’t know. That must have looked weird. So Nessa, I’ve heard that our father finally croaked and you’re the governor of Munchkinland. By all reports you are quite literally a bitch on wheels.

NESSAROSE: I am somewhat less than amused.

IDINA: So what’s up with you having the munchkins as your personal servants? You have them do all your dirty work.

NESSAROSE: So? That’s what George Bush does. We unelected officials think alike.

IDINA: Even though you don’t deserve it I’m going to magic your shoes so you can walk.

NESSAROSE: (stands) Now I’m a bitch in heels!

IDINA: Uh-oh. That may not have been the best idea.

NESSAROSE: Boq, get your dumb butt in here!

(Boq enters.)

NESSAROSE: Boq, I can walk now, don’t you love me?

BOQ: No, I still love Kristin.

NESSAROSE: Why?

BOQ: I have no idea.

NESSAROSE: Well now I’m pissed. I’m going to perform a spell to get you to love me. How this is going to work I don’t know because I have no idea what I’m doing. But I’m putting a spell on you!

BOQ: Ow.

NESSAROSE: Oh shit. Idina, since you can read this book can you help?

IDINA: Nope, sorry.

NESSAROSE: Well can you put Boq in the wheelchair and very obviously wheel him behind the dresser so the stand-in Tin Man can come out?

IDINA: Sure.

(She does so and then exits. The not-Boq-Tin-Man-stand-in stands up.)

AUDIENCE: Hey wait, it’s a different actor!

NESSAROSE: You’re not supposed to notice that.

AUDIENCE: Oh, sorry.

(Kristin and Norbert lead the ensemble singing “Scene change, scene change, Eugene Lee is God, scene change.”)

AUDIENCE: All right, enough with the subliminal messages already!

Scene 12:

(Joel Grey and Idina enter.)

JOEL GREY: Well that wasted about two minutes. All right, Idina, I know I’ve had my army hunting for you but will you join me in my quest to dictate Oz in the cutest way possible?

IDINA: No.

JOEL GREY: Well damn.

(Joel Grey performs the “Joel Grey is Adorable” song that adds nothing to the plot whatsoever.)

IDINA: You know what, Joel Grey, I just might join you now.

JOEL GREY: Why?

IDINA: I have no idea.

AUDIENCE: Idina, you’re conforming!

IDINA: Shut up.

(Doctor Dillamond very obviously runs onstage and hides under a blanket.)

JOEL GREY: I’m going to free the flying monkeys to distract you from this. They will form a satanic cult with Idina as their leader but that’s later on in the play.

IDINA: I wonder who that is hiding under the blanket. Oh, it’s Doctor Dillamond! What are you doing here?

DOCTOR DILLAMOND: Oh Idina, help, help I’m being repressed!

(Cheers are heard from the Monty Python fans in the audience.)

IDINA: (to Joel Grey) So not only are you still oppressing the animals but now you’re personally oppressing Doctor Dillamond? Okay, you’re going down.

JOEL GREY: Help! Help!

(The guards and Norbert run in.)

GUARDS: Hey everybody. We are Joel Grey’s guards but we don’t do anything except run around in a funny way and make stupid comments. This makes us hilarious.

NORBERT: Remember me? I’m Norbert, the sexy one. I actually do something and I’m still hilarious! Right now, I’m in love with Idina.

KRISTIN: (running onstage) Wait, hold up! Norbert, why do you love Idina?

NORBERT: I have no idea! Come on, Idina, we can get a room at one of my extra castles!

(Norbert and Idina run off stage.)

KRISTIN: My man! I must get revenge.

(Madame Morrible enters.)

MADAME MORRIBLE: Do I smell a bitch moment coming on?

KRISTIN: Yes. Even though Nessarose has nothing to do with this let’s use her as bait to capture Idina.

MADAME MORRIBLE: I like this; it’s wicked.

KRISTIN: Oooh, being a bad girl is fun!

(She runs offstage giggling happily.)

MADAME MORRIBLE: I have an even better idea. To lure Idina why don’t I summon a tornado that brings a house carrying a very annoying little farm girl and her slightly less annoying dog to smash Nessarose and thus wreak chaos on Oz?

JOEL GREY: Only a freak like you could come up with something like that. Sounds like a plan. By the way, if anyone asks I had nothing to do with this because I’m too cute.

(They exit to do said evil thing. Norbert and Idina enter.)

Scene 13:

NORBERT: Hey I have a great idea. Let’s have sex onstage!

IDINA: Okay!

(They do so. Suddenly freaky music is heard and Idina sits up.)

IDINA: Wait! Suddenly I have psychic powers and I can see that a house is coming to crush Nessarose! However my wildest dreamings could not foresee the peril that will be wrought on me by the very annoying little farm girl and her slightly less annoying dog. I must go save Nessarose!

NORBERT: How? It’s a house.

IDINA: I have no idea.

(They exit separate ways. The scene changes to Munchkinland. Kristin is waving and talking to a sign on the side of the stage that says “Dorothy went this way.” Demonic Munchkin noises are heard from offstage.)

Scene 14:

KRISTIN: Go along now; there’s nothing to see here! Well besides me. But go on--shoo! Shoo!

(The demonic munchkin noises stop to the relief of the entire audience. Idina enters.)

KRISTIN: Oh now, look who’s here! This is the first time I’ve seen you since you ran off with my man. This calls for a catfight.

IDINA: Indeed it does.

(Kristin slaps Idina.)

AUDIENCE: Oh, no she didn’t!

(Idina slaps Kristin.)

AUDIENCE: Oh snap, she did it again!

(They charge at each other with wand and broomstick. Then suddenly the guards rush in and break it up.)

AUDIENCE: Oh come on now, this was just getting good! This is serious Jerry Springer shit, man!

NORBERT: (Who has swung on a vine à la Tarzan onto the stage.) I’m sorry, guys, but we have to move forward with the plot now.

AUDIENCE: (grumbling) Fine, fine.

GUARD: Norbert, stage sex with a public enemy especially a green one is a serious offense. You will now be turned into a scarecrow.

NORBERT: Is this going to mess up my hair?

(They all exit. Idina comes back on to perform “No Good Deed.”)

Scene 15:

AUDIENCE: (in unison) Holy shit.

(The scene changes to “March of the Witch Hunters.”)

Scene 16:

ENSEMBLE: Kill the witch!

KRISTIN: Wait, are they actually going to kill Idina?

MADAME MORRIBLE: Um, yeah, that’s the idea of a witch-hunt, Blondie.

KRISTIN: Oh no! I changed my mind, it’s not fun to be a bad girl. I must go warn Idina of her impending doom.

(She exits. The scene changes to Idina’s secret lair with her Flying Monkey cult. Idina enters yelling at the “Dorothy went this way” sign.)

Scene 17:

IDINA: I don’t get it! In the book the Witch and Dorothy have this great pivotal scene, why did they cut it out? Melissa Fahn has better things to do then sit around and fake cry.

JOE MANTELLO: (from offstage) We cut it out to give Kristin more obligatory funny lines.

IDINA: Screw Kristin, we should--

(Kristin enters.)

KRISTIN: Excuse me?

IDINA: Oh sorry.

KRISTIN: I’ve come to warn you of your impending doom. And to make obligatory hilarious remarks.

IDINA: I’m wicked now, so I will be apathetic to my impending doom. But you must carry on my legacy.

KRISTIN: But…I’m blonde.

IDINA: Well Nessarose is smushed so you’re the best I’ve got.

(They perform “For Good.” Flying Monkeys pass out complimentary tissues to the audience. The song ends.)

IDINA: Okay, they’re coming to kill me now so you must hide.

KRISTIN: But I don’t melt.

IDINA: Well neither do I, what’s your point?

(A curtain is pulled across the stage and Idina melts.)

AUDIENCE: Oh no, Idina died!

KRISTIN: Oh no, not really. She’ll come back to provide the obligatory happy ending.

AUDIENCE: Phew, okay.

MONKEY: Here’s Idina’s green bottle, Kristin. It’s important to the plot now. Don’t ask me where I got it.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yay, the monkey spoke for the first time!

(He is shunned mercilessly.)

KRISTIN: I think I’m going to have my own little witch hunt now.

Scene 18:

(Kristin burst in on Joel Grey and Madame Morrible having a pointless conversation. The guards run in with her. They sadly do not make any funny comments.)

KRISTIN: Madame Morrible, you are under arrest on charges of hideodeous make-up, demonic-ness, and terrorizing this audience.

(The audience cheers. The guards drag Madame Morrible offstage.)

ANOTHER AUDIENCE MEMBER: Nooo!!

(He is also shunned mercilessly. The audience then joins together in song.)

AUDIENCE: Ding dong, the witch is dead
Which old witch? The wicked witch
Ding dong the wicked with is dead…

KRISTIN: By the way, Joel Grey--ha! That rhymed! Anyhoo, you’re Idina’s father.

JOEL GREY: But she’s not even cute like me.

AUDIENCE: Jer-ry, Jer-ry!

KRISTIN: You must leave Oz. I will take over and everyone will be forced to wear pink every day!

(They exit. The scene changes back to Idina’s secret lair with her hat on top of the trap door. Norbert the scarecrow runs in and knocks on the trap door. He opens it and Idina pops out.)

Scene 19:

YET ANOTHER AUDIENCE MEMBER: Wait, how could he knock and make a noise if he’s made of straw?

(He is the third audience member to be shunned mercilessly.)

IDINA: Hi, I’m back to provide the obligatory happy ending. Norbert the scarecrow and I will run off together to God knows where to do God knows what but I will always miss Kristin the blonde.

AUDIENCE: Awwwwww!!!

(Blackout. The cast comes back onstage for the curtain call and bows.)

IDINA: Okay, time for a new cast!

(The OBC snobs in the audience boo. They are not shunned mercilessly.)

GEORGE HEARN: I’m George Hearn. Yeah, I know I’m not cute.

JOEY MCINTYRE: Hey, Joe-Mac in da house! Let’s just get this over with--no, I don’t want your bra, no I am not hangin’ tough and yes I do have the right stuff.

JENNIFER LAURA THOMPSON: Hey everybody I’m Jennifer Laura Thompson but if that’s too long you can just call me Jen.

IDINA: How about J-la?

JENNIFER LAURA THOMPSON: Um…okay.

AUDIENCE: Wait--you’re not Kristin!

JENNIFER LAURA THOMPSON: I know but--

IDINA: No guys, she’s awesome. I’m keeping my Depends for “Popular.”

AUDIENCE: But we want Kristin!

KRISTIN: Don’t worry friends, I have officially given her my seal of approval. Think of it as passing the bubble.

AUDIENCE: Oh well, if Kristin likes her than she must be okay.

(Loud chainsaw noises are heard from offstage.)

JENNIFER LAURA THOMPSON: Oh God, the Kristin fans are after me!

AUDIENCE: Morrible’s finally cracked!

IDINA: Please calm yourselves! The bubble is being passed but first it must be re-sized.

(Everyone sighs in relief.)

The end.

[Megan the Phantom Girlie]

That was actually quite funny. Was that one of Evadne Noel's Breadbox Editions? It read like one.

[B3TA07]

That makes me lol

[The Very Angry Woman]

Gee, I wonder who they were inspired by.

http://broadwayabridged.com/scripts/wicked.shtml

[Megan the Phantom Girlie]

The problem with attempting to abridge anything with humorous intent is that they all end up the same. Compare the Breadbox Editions with the Movies in 15 Minutes. I don't think they deliberately stole the idea, but the same mold was definitely used.

[DefyingGravityforever]

that was very disturbing

[mastachen]

Please stop digging up old threads. It is very annoying for everyone but yourself.